My Christmas wish

In nine days it will be Christmas day so I thought I'd write a Christmas wish for myself.  As a First Nations person, Christmas does not bring fond memories of the past instead it's a hard time to get through these days.  I'm born in January close to the new year which is also a hard time of year for me.  Tragically, the story goes that since I was six years old there were no adults to care for me around Christmas time.  The story of my people and the Residential School caused a hard time for adults in my community so drinking alcohol was a common thing.  The sad part of it was that the drinking continued for days and even weeks.  So I was sad a lot.  I felt alone a lot.  This happened every year, I only started recalling it when I was six.  This is why Christmas is so difficult for me.  Today, my community and family is still the same -nothing has changed.  So it's hard to feel a sense of togetherness at this time of year.  It's not that I'm not grateful for my life today it's just I wished that for once there didn't have to be alcohol involved.  That I could enjoy the company of my large family together and really feel the love that we share.  Instead of it being drowned by all the other negative emotions that others try to "drink away."  It's difficult.  You love your family and you're saddened by watching them avoid the real reasons they drink.  So my wish is that this time of year gets easier starting with this year, only because it feels like the hardest year already.  I hope to find solace in my pain so that Christmas does not plant a dark cloud over my head every year.  With age comes wisdom and I pray for a bit of that wisdom this Christmas.  So that my children will look back one day and remember their mother in a positive light and know that I did the best I knew how to make sure they had a better life.

From these eyes and this heart

These eyes have seen a lot of things in life and this heart has felt much things.  The reminders of the past were very hard to get through but I made it.  I am a strong individual and with this strength I will show great things.  I know firsthand of what abuse does to an individual or a family and how it tears them apart.  For twenty two years I have remained with my husband who is a residential school survivor.  I had to learn how to forgive in order to make it this long.  Anyone does.  Learning how to forgive is the first step in the road of healing but it's not an easy one.  Some may succumb to their wounds of the past.  These are the ones who are lost in their pain and they abuse themselves through the use of alcohol, drugs, or any type of addiction.  It may all start as harmless and seem like it's just a passing thing that they do occasionally or on a special event but sometimes it's not.  Sometimes it's a cover for something else, it's a blocker for the pain. When we are in pain, we are in denial.  We lie about why we do things just so that people will leave us alone.  I have stood on both sides of that fence, being the liar and the person who was lied to so I know what that sounds like or that feels like.  Painful memories of the past are no laughing matter, no matter what they entail.  They need to be heard and expressed by anyone who carries them inside.  If they are left unattended they can and will destroy a person or family until they is hardly anything left.  This is called the "bottom of the barrel" and you can look at it two ways.  Either you're in a hole so deep you can't get out or you are staring down a barrel of a gun and you'd rather die.   Which ever way, it doesn't feel good and you must deal with it.  But you know what?  There is help.  I never used to believe this either and I was so filled with shame about my situation that I didn't want to tell anyone.  But telling someone is a way out because that person who is there to help understands where you've been and knows how you feel.  There is no judgement, there is only love.  And it's the kind of love you need.  It's not easy to admit that you need help especially in a world where you are told to succeed in every aspect of your life.  Feeling like you failed is not pretty but you can get out of it by doing the bravest thing of all, asking for help.  I wish everyone who may read this the strength to reach out to talk to someone in their community or city about their past and their pain.  You can do it!