From these eyes and this heart

These eyes have seen a lot of things in life and this heart has felt much things.  The reminders of the past were very hard to get through but I made it.  I am a strong individual and with this strength I will show great things.  I know firsthand of what abuse does to an individual or a family and how it tears them apart.  For twenty two years I have remained with my husband who is a residential school survivor.  I had to learn how to forgive in order to make it this long.  Anyone does.  Learning how to forgive is the first step in the road of healing but it's not an easy one.  Some may succumb to their wounds of the past.  These are the ones who are lost in their pain and they abuse themselves through the use of alcohol, drugs, or any type of addiction.  It may all start as harmless and seem like it's just a passing thing that they do occasionally or on a special event but sometimes it's not.  Sometimes it's a cover for something else, it's a blocker for the pain. When we are in pain, we are in denial.  We lie about why we do things just so that people will leave us alone.  I have stood on both sides of that fence, being the liar and the person who was lied to so I know what that sounds like or that feels like.  Painful memories of the past are no laughing matter, no matter what they entail.  They need to be heard and expressed by anyone who carries them inside.  If they are left unattended they can and will destroy a person or family until they is hardly anything left.  This is called the "bottom of the barrel" and you can look at it two ways.  Either you're in a hole so deep you can't get out or you are staring down a barrel of a gun and you'd rather die.   Which ever way, it doesn't feel good and you must deal with it.  But you know what?  There is help.  I never used to believe this either and I was so filled with shame about my situation that I didn't want to tell anyone.  But telling someone is a way out because that person who is there to help understands where you've been and knows how you feel.  There is no judgement, there is only love.  And it's the kind of love you need.  It's not easy to admit that you need help especially in a world where you are told to succeed in every aspect of your life.  Feeling like you failed is not pretty but you can get out of it by doing the bravest thing of all, asking for help.  I wish everyone who may read this the strength to reach out to talk to someone in their community or city about their past and their pain.  You can do it!

The Effects of Residential School

I completed a three day event yesterday where people came together at a Residential School Gathering.  What I thought was going to be an event for me to witness, it became an event where I participated with my family on a healing journey.  It was a struggle and a lot of emotions were brought to the surface.  But the good thing about it was that, we were not alone.  Not anymore.  The strength that we were surrounded with filled the room and the atmosphere and we were untouchable by anything negative outside of it.  It was a powerful and moving experience, which was good.  It will always be a memory etched in my heart and my soul and I can take it with me wherever I go and that is a good thing.  The events that took place opened my eyes to realities that I never saw before and it has changed me into someone new.  You see the residential school syndrome still haunts our people today, including my own family, my children.  From what I witnessed I am forever changed.  My own son told his story and how the effects of what happened to him when he was small scarred him.  I looked at him and told him that he was brave for what he had done and so did other people.  There was no one who looked at him and told him that his story wasn't valid because everyone believed that the legacy that the effects of residential school still go on today.  The pain our childhood is valid and is as real as our hands in front of us and no one can take that away.  I say this because my son is 21 years old and has never been inside a residential school but he knows the pain that it has caused.  The intergenerational abuse is real and the stories that go along with that abuse is real.  We can't ignore this pain and we must acknowledge that the effects of what happened in our lives is a part of how our people learned to deal with their emotions, which was unhealthy.  The story my son told has changed me because of what I felt, I heard his heart and his soul in that room and I will never forget.  I believe that the journey that he takes from today will be one that will change him into the man that he wants to be in life.  The strength and courage that he showed yesterday created a new mark for his life, a better road to walk.  It's no longer a road that is dark and lonely but it's a road with light and love.  And even though he is still a bit afraid I know that he will trust the road and walk on it regardless of his fear.  His bravery will live on forever.