My Christmas wish

In nine days it will be Christmas day so I thought I'd write a Christmas wish for myself.  As a First Nations person, Christmas does not bring fond memories of the past instead it's a hard time to get through these days.  I'm born in January close to the new year which is also a hard time of year for me.  Tragically, the story goes that since I was six years old there were no adults to care for me around Christmas time.  The story of my people and the Residential School caused a hard time for adults in my community so drinking alcohol was a common thing.  The sad part of it was that the drinking continued for days and even weeks.  So I was sad a lot.  I felt alone a lot.  This happened every year, I only started recalling it when I was six.  This is why Christmas is so difficult for me.  Today, my community and family is still the same -nothing has changed.  So it's hard to feel a sense of togetherness at this time of year.  It's not that I'm not grateful for my life today it's just I wished that for once there didn't have to be alcohol involved.  That I could enjoy the company of my large family together and really feel the love that we share.  Instead of it being drowned by all the other negative emotions that others try to "drink away."  It's difficult.  You love your family and you're saddened by watching them avoid the real reasons they drink.  So my wish is that this time of year gets easier starting with this year, only because it feels like the hardest year already.  I hope to find solace in my pain so that Christmas does not plant a dark cloud over my head every year.  With age comes wisdom and I pray for a bit of that wisdom this Christmas.  So that my children will look back one day and remember their mother in a positive light and know that I did the best I knew how to make sure they had a better life.

From these eyes and this heart

These eyes have seen a lot of things in life and this heart has felt much things.  The reminders of the past were very hard to get through but I made it.  I am a strong individual and with this strength I will show great things.  I know firsthand of what abuse does to an individual or a family and how it tears them apart.  For twenty two years I have remained with my husband who is a residential school survivor.  I had to learn how to forgive in order to make it this long.  Anyone does.  Learning how to forgive is the first step in the road of healing but it's not an easy one.  Some may succumb to their wounds of the past.  These are the ones who are lost in their pain and they abuse themselves through the use of alcohol, drugs, or any type of addiction.  It may all start as harmless and seem like it's just a passing thing that they do occasionally or on a special event but sometimes it's not.  Sometimes it's a cover for something else, it's a blocker for the pain. When we are in pain, we are in denial.  We lie about why we do things just so that people will leave us alone.  I have stood on both sides of that fence, being the liar and the person who was lied to so I know what that sounds like or that feels like.  Painful memories of the past are no laughing matter, no matter what they entail.  They need to be heard and expressed by anyone who carries them inside.  If they are left unattended they can and will destroy a person or family until they is hardly anything left.  This is called the "bottom of the barrel" and you can look at it two ways.  Either you're in a hole so deep you can't get out or you are staring down a barrel of a gun and you'd rather die.   Which ever way, it doesn't feel good and you must deal with it.  But you know what?  There is help.  I never used to believe this either and I was so filled with shame about my situation that I didn't want to tell anyone.  But telling someone is a way out because that person who is there to help understands where you've been and knows how you feel.  There is no judgement, there is only love.  And it's the kind of love you need.  It's not easy to admit that you need help especially in a world where you are told to succeed in every aspect of your life.  Feeling like you failed is not pretty but you can get out of it by doing the bravest thing of all, asking for help.  I wish everyone who may read this the strength to reach out to talk to someone in their community or city about their past and their pain.  You can do it!

The Effects of Residential School

I completed a three day event yesterday where people came together at a Residential School Gathering.  What I thought was going to be an event for me to witness, it became an event where I participated with my family on a healing journey.  It was a struggle and a lot of emotions were brought to the surface.  But the good thing about it was that, we were not alone.  Not anymore.  The strength that we were surrounded with filled the room and the atmosphere and we were untouchable by anything negative outside of it.  It was a powerful and moving experience, which was good.  It will always be a memory etched in my heart and my soul and I can take it with me wherever I go and that is a good thing.  The events that took place opened my eyes to realities that I never saw before and it has changed me into someone new.  You see the residential school syndrome still haunts our people today, including my own family, my children.  From what I witnessed I am forever changed.  My own son told his story and how the effects of what happened to him when he was small scarred him.  I looked at him and told him that he was brave for what he had done and so did other people.  There was no one who looked at him and told him that his story wasn't valid because everyone believed that the legacy that the effects of residential school still go on today.  The pain our childhood is valid and is as real as our hands in front of us and no one can take that away.  I say this because my son is 21 years old and has never been inside a residential school but he knows the pain that it has caused.  The intergenerational abuse is real and the stories that go along with that abuse is real.  We can't ignore this pain and we must acknowledge that the effects of what happened in our lives is a part of how our people learned to deal with their emotions, which was unhealthy.  The story my son told has changed me because of what I felt, I heard his heart and his soul in that room and I will never forget.  I believe that the journey that he takes from today will be one that will change him into the man that he wants to be in life.  The strength and courage that he showed yesterday created a new mark for his life, a better road to walk.  It's no longer a road that is dark and lonely but it's a road with light and love.  And even though he is still a bit afraid I know that he will trust the road and walk on it regardless of his fear.  His bravery will live on forever.

It's in the name

It's officially November and we are getting closer to Christmas before we know it, it will be here!  This fall season is moving quite fast if I say so myself.  But it's good.  As days move, so do I.  I am near finished receiving all my equipment, I just need a few more items to start productions for my upcoming projects.  But the one thing I don't have is a name for my video production company, it's mind boggling.  I remember when it was time to come up with name for our music video productions in college, it was such a long process.  We literally sat through a whole class to play around and pick each other's brains for ideas of a good name.  It was tiresome.  And now it's my duty to come up with my own name for my company, it's no easy task. I've researched so many different names and some are still out there for me to use but the thought of picking a name to represent me, is a delicate procedure.  My up and coming website will need the name and I want to represent well because it's my shot, really.  I look forward to leaving the link to my new website here once it's up and running because I want people to know I am out there.  This is very exciting and I know that my dear parents are proud of me and looking down on me from the spirit world proudly.  I know that much.  I look forward to projects, especially to the documentary we will start next year.  For now, we want to shoot local projects and short films in the community.  My son is happy and can't wait for his first production to get rolling, he loves the camera and so do I.  Our test shots we have done look pretty good and we are fully ready for the road ahead and I couldn't be more happier that my son will be by my side as we film projects.  It's a dream come true for both of us and I'm sure we will learn alot as time goes on.  I thank the Creator for blessing me with such an opportunity and it is one that will be shown off well through projects we do. 

As the year comes closing

2010 is nearing the end and we say good bye to the summer and welcome fall.  It's been quite a year for me as I've made my travels to and fro.  I've grown extensively this year and be made quite humble in this past year.  I've counted my blessings and have had many prayers answered by the Great Spirit who has given me so much.  I've worked hard and long to reach the part of the mountain I'm on and although I'm not there yet I know by trudging day by day I will reach the summit.  My two year training came to an end this summer and it was with great happiness that I accomplished quite a task.  I am now fully trained in Broadcasting-Television and I welcome the road ahead.  It just goes to show that no matter what the dream, it's never too late to go after what you love and believe you were meant for.  In saying that, I am pleased to say that my dream of owning my video production company is on it's way and I'm preparing for everything I want to produce with it.  Ideas always will flow through my mind, here and there.  That door never closes and never will.  My first project is a docu-drama that I want to produce in the new year and my crew and I are eager to get started.  Drafting a script is a job in itself but one that I'm happy to write, it's all exciting and I couldn't ask for anything else. I know I'm exactly where I need to be in life and I'm headed to a place where I can be a voice amongst my people.  After all the hustle and bustle of trying to figure out where I belong, I realize that it is with my people that I will begin my work. It's the most important right now.  When I was a young girl I used of dream of making movies and now my dream is at hand.  So as I sit here to write, I want to say to you who is reading - never give up on your dreams!!  Miigwetch

Words say so much

Words have a profound effect on us as humans and they last for years.  They can help shape a future or tear down your soul.  We never know which directions our lives are headed to but it's sure that words help us get there.  Indefinitely.  My father had a saying he used to say, "when I say something, it's got to be right."  I never knew until some time later in life how those words shaped me.  In my version of life, it means to always speak the truth.  Do not throw away words senselessly.  Words are precious, just as life.  Words can change the world.  Living your word is such an important part of a human being. When we live with our words, we are much happier people, more free.  When we tell ourselves things such as, "I think I'll buy a car this year" or "I think I'll lose 5 lbs this summer" and we do it, it's a sense of freedom.  We've done exactly what we've said we'd do and it sets us free.  However, when we do not do what we say it can eat away at us for years and our lives do not move forward.  Because our spirit knows the truth and our spirit knows what it wants.  Our spirit is the true essence of what we are and when we deny it we don't live by the words.  This is where unhappiness comes from.  In order to turn it around, we have to listen to ourselves and reconnect with our true selves.  It is the only way and words can help us get there.  Words are magic, words are powerful, words can create worlds and help shape your future.  They are a force that we possess, a force so powerful that we don't even realize the magic we hold.  Words have created some of the best writers, best songs, best films, best plays, best students, and whatever else you can think of to put in this list.  Like a song that is timeless, it was the words that has lived on in our hearts that made it so.  Words are alive and they belong to us.  They belong to you and they belong to me.  This is what my father taught me all those years.  It is the gift that he left me with and I am grateful.

Sacred connection

Native American Indians have always had a deep connection to the land because it is our mother, she is what provides us the nourishment to live here.  This respect lives deep within all natives, the connection is there even if it doesn't appear to us.  It is silent and has no words, it is all action.  When we flock to pow wows across the land, we do it to be with the drums, people, and the land.  When we sing, it is our appreciation for the gifts that we are given in life and the blessings we've received.  It is our voices caressing every blade of grass and every leaf and tree around us that connects.  When we dance, our connection to the land is rythmic and it expresses our gratitude for this life we live.  There are not much words to explain what it means to natives and their connection to the land, it is something that is felt.  We value all things because all things are alive.  If we take from the land, an offering of tobacco and a prayer is given before we take anything.  It is our way of showing gratitude.  Even though today we are re-teaching ourselves the ways of the past, the teachings are inate and we understand the teachings.  No one has to tell us it is right, we know.  It is the sacred connection that is opened with the Creator and no one ever has to tell you when that happens, you will know.  It is not written in a book somewhere of how you should feel.  The spirit that lives inside of us knows all things and when we are fully aware of who we are, then the connection to everything comes alive.  It is the sacred gift of life promised by the Creator.

Grass dancers at Whitesand pow wow 2010

~Miigwetch

Changing Lives

My family and I recently had the chance to travel up North to a small community of Sandy Lake where we would be participating in the first ever pow wow.  My sons being drummers were honoured, my husband who was a speaker was thrilled and myself as a dancer was touched by the people.  We were treated well for our three day stay and the people were so kind.  The children were so fascinated with us and asked questions as much as their minds could muster.  Young teens were inquisite and eager to hear more stories of our lives as they visited with us.  Suffice to say, there were even people who did not want us to leave.  To me, that said a lot.  It said that we were a breath of fresh air for some of them who courageously showed their spirit.  This is what life is all about, giving what the Creator has given you to others. It really is a gift.  Along with us, nearly a dozen others travelled to this gathering as well to join in the festivities and the workshops.  In short, we made a lasting impact on the community who I am sure will be thrilled to have another pow wow next year.  Despite the bug bites, it was such an experience that will stay with me forever.

Moments in time

I recently spent some time with my three sons at a pow wow we attended and I realized how good it was to be with them again. It's been nearly a year since we traveled to a gathering anywhere and it felt really good, and it made me feel good that I was helping them get to their destination. Once they arrived they sang their first song and just when it was about to end some older male dancer came to fan the drum so the boys continued singing. Once those four rounds were done another dancer came to blow a whistle on the drum so they continue another four rounds and lastly another dancer came to fan the drum and the boys kept on singing. So it was good. The boys were happy. It's such an honour for them to be recognized and appreciated in the pow wow community like that, they strive to improve their drumming and singing all the time. They literally live by the drum. It's their driving force. The drum group has about 12 singers and they are from the ages of 15 to 26 years old. With my son being the 15 year old who is the lead singer, he has matured into a fine young man which makes me so proud. I idolized his drive, his spirit for living this way of life and many others look up to him as well. He's been drumming since he was 9 and he became lead singer when he was about 12 and he's constantly improved which I couldn't asked for more. I am blessed. Life is good. My sons will continue to travel to pow wows until they are old I think, they won't stop and that is a good thing. I just thought I'd share that~a personal story.

Everything Native American: Totally 2010

Everything Native American: Totally 2010

Totally 2010

Happy 2010 to you all, I've been away for some time but now I've returned. This year I want to write many things that strike me as interesting and engaging and sometimes odd. Well first off I celebrated a birthday not too long ago it was nice, spent with my family who I enjoyed being with. I also recently returned to semester 4, the final semester of my broadcast training. Woo! It's exciting and thrilling to finally be here, amazing. I've waited a long time to be here believe me and I can not wait to get started on my career in television. In other words and topics my most anticipated moment to watch New Moon arrived a few months ago and I loved the movie. I think the only thing I didn't like was that Bella played Jacob and really hurt him at the end. But it happens in the book too so it was pretty much expected. The wolf pack was present and beautiful as ever!! I loved them in both forms. Now I can't wait to see them in Eclipse!! Which is only five month from now. What else? Oh oh my favorite, most anticipated thing I wait for every year is coming soon, the Golden Globe awards! I love watching it and I hope to take part in it in person one day soon! Oh and another thing, American Idol is returning with Ellen as a judge which just excites me, I love Ellen she is the greatest. I'd love to meet her, although I don't know how I'd react because I'm so shy and modest and she's much different than I am, I'd probably turn red. Overall I'm really looking forward to this year, especially graduation!! I want all my friends to be there! It's going to be the most HAPPIEST day of my life and I hope I don't cry (I'll leave that to my friends) oh shoot I most likely will cry. I am almost there, my promise that I made to my parents who are in their resting place is nearly here! This is going to be a fun filled year and I can't wait!